President Bush's address

President bush has just announced a plan to send national guard troops to the US-Mexico border."I-In Mexico, there are lots of... Mexicans. And Mexicans, they isn't Amuricans, beause... only Amuricans can be Amuricans... otherwise they're not Amuricans, they're Mexican, or Russian, or, or Italiish. Or is it Italican? Shucks, I can't remember now. Anyway, the point I;m trying to make is that Mexicans ain't Amuricans. They don't even speak Amurican! They speak Mexican! Now, I'm not saying the-there;s anythin' wrong with the Mexiquats... I love Mexicanian culture, I- I'm a big fan of... burrrritoes. (That's called rolling your rr's, an important part of the Mexicali language) And -and quesadillers... . But mainly Dos Equis. Boy do I love that Dos Equis! As they say in Mexicania, "me liko." Of course, after the whole "llama incident" Laura doesn't let me drink anymore. Heh heh heh."Later, Homeland Secretary Secretary Michael Chertoff was asked about the plan."Some have claimed that putting 6000 troops isn't going to change anything along a 1200 mile border. These traitors also point out that if you really wanted to come here you could hop on a boat, travel a couple miles and land write next to Joe's Crab Shack at Laguna Beach. These people are idiots. Look, I am the Secretary of Homeland Security. It is my job! Look, I know there's only 6,000, but we're giving them binoculars. This means that they can see further. We also invented an "immigrant trap." We place a fish taco or other delicious example of the Mexican cuisine out in the middle of the desert, but it causes a trap to fall on the immigrant until an INS official can extract him! See you guys? We will think of anything that doesn't work. I meant everything that does work. What I'm trying to say is that we're thinking, and thinking is good. Look, don't you think I know what I'm doing? Briefing is over, no further questions."

Democratic Renaissance?

It is increasingly suggested amongst political philosophic (particularly aligned to leftist policies) that the Democratic Party has strayed much too far to the right to be more appealing electorally - at the expense of its general values. In fact, some would go so far as to say that the Democratic politicians of late have alienated many of their leftist constituents to a breaking point. One thing is clear: the Democrats need to reassess, if not completely reinvent their political agenda and ideals. But how to do this? One need only refer back to the turn of the previous century. Year - 1896, location - Chicago. The Democratic Primary Convention. From reconstruction, the party had been dominated primarily by the Bourbon Democrats - conservatives and generally, products of the local political machines. Among this crowd was incumbent President Grover Cleveland. However, the issue of currency was on the lips of all: Gold Standard or Silver Fiat? Emerging at the convention was middle-aged William Jennings Bryan, Congressman from Nebraska, who demonstrated his support for Silver with incomparable vigor. Following his immortalised "cross of gold" speech, he solidified the Democratic agenda for silver, and won the hearts of many Silverite Republicans. He not only won the Democratic, but also the Populist nomination. Bryan's 1896 strategy was to appeal to the agricultural staple of America. When the dust settled, he had picked up the entirety of the Agricultural West and South, areas predominantly Republican today. However, this did not win him the presidency, for his Republican Opponent had the backing of big business and thus was able to win the industrial majority areas. What Bryan failed to see was that he needed to appeal not only to the farmers, but the industrial labourers in general in order to win. Only with the support of the general working class can a claimed "Party of the People" hope to achieve its ends."Thus, the Republicans gained the West in following elections, but not without due consequence. Bryan's defiance of the Bourbon Democrats and move of the party to the left began an irreversible Progressive Era, which would hold great prosperity in the years to come. His actions paved the way for the Democratic success stories of Wilson, FDR, Truman, Kennedy, and Johnson. The modern Democratic Party must learn from these great examples of the past and take up the Progressive Stance once again. It will gain them the support of an entire nation. The word 'Democrat' now has many denominations. If the party were to specify itself to one issue in particular, and refocus its ideals, it will accomplish its goals with broader appeal. Though not suggesting another Henry A. Wallace Presidential Candidate, the notion of an Independent Progressive Party would be a clever scheme for the Democrats.
-The Resident Historian